So I've encountered some new thoughts for this short story I've been working on, and of course I haven't really worked on it at all what with all the stuff going on these past couple days.
One thing that frustrates me is I don't know how to work in new ideas. How do I preserve what I have done or do I even want to preserve what I've done? I mean, I have put work into the last couple of drafts, in shaping and honing them to support the direction I was going. And now...I just don't know. And it's really frustrating.
So, like, one thing is a line for Rick - "I just want to be able to have these feelings and not feel guilty about it". This refers to feeling scared or depressed or happy or relieved or whatever as relates to his cancer without feeling they're unwarranted or shameful. This kind of ties in with some of the stuff already discussed in the story--much like Rick's 'cause and effect' thing. Like, he worries there's not enough cause for having these feelings, so if he lets himself feel them he's being indulgent and wanton. (which, amusingly, is kind of how his character is, I suppose; so maybe he's actually aware of this about himself now and it scares him?)
Altogether that one line will require a bunch of restructuring, I think. It entails certain subjects and such to follow it, but also requires certain others to set it up (and set up those other following bits, too). At least I think it does. It feels like it's going to be this huge change and I don't know how to handle it if it is. Maybe I'm wrong, and it'll enjoin the rest of the existing action without much messying up. Or maybe it will shift the focus entirely, alter the direction, and instead of culminating in the whole "you're the one making yourself miserable, rick" thing it'll be something else?
Or maybe I can fiddle with that culminating bit. Instead of just referring to rick "keeping score" of his accomplishments and failures, it's also about legitimate feelings? Not sure how I'll do that. Not sure at all. Fuck.
Part of me wants to trash it all and start over or give up entirely. Or go take a nap and pretend it'll just be better later. Well, I think part of the nagginess is that this story grew out of my real feelings and circumstances, and this new dimension is something I've actually been feeling, and I want to remain true to it. But at the cost of the focus of the story? maybe, if I can make it work, sure. But I'm not sure I can. And that's annoying as fuck. Cuz I feel like I have to work this in for it to be a legitimate story. But maybe it's already moved on from my real life stuff and become it's own. Or maybe it's actually a very hollow, shallow affair because it doesn't ring true anymore. Fuckall.
I know, I know; if I just start fiddling about and poking it in differetn ways and trying things out, I'm sure it'll sort itself out. But my OCD hates wasting time doing unnecessary things (though it has no problem wasting time on absolutely useless diversions). So it's holding me up. I just can't get myself to do it because I have no idea what I'm gonna be doing. I guess I imagine fiction writing to be a singular, linear process, without retroactive editing or anything. And that's probably completely false, but I feel like I'd be failing at this if I do that. Fuckall.
Well, that's enough for today. I'll keep thinking things through, maybe even blog some useful notes tomorrow.
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