Monday, September 3, 2018

Some promise and its problems.

So it's been a while, hasn't it? I hit some major snags with developing "Ponder," so I set it aside . . . And kind of didn't go back to it? Oops.

Well, I made some progress there, actually, but what got me back in the game was a new story that's totally different. As it happens. So we'll get back to "Ponder" in another post.

Before I get ahead of myself, though, I want to make a shout out to my boyfriend, Anthony. I'd proposed doing a thing: Every Sunday, we'd go to Starbucks or what have you and write. See, he's a writer, too. I wanted him to work on his novel(s), and I wanted me to work on my blogs. And eventually, he took me up on it! I honestly probably wouldn't have gotten back into writing without that, so thanks!

Anyway, the night before our second such write up, I was on the train thinking about a friend of mine. We'd talked a few times after a long break. On one occasion, she mentioned some health problems but didn't specify anything; on another, she mentioned seeing someone she was digging; and so on.
As I rode the train home after working a double at the restaurant, it occurred to me: What if she's dying?? Then it occurred to me: Why would she be dating someone if she were dying? Weird thoughts.

But then I wondered: What would it be like (newly) dating someone who was dying? And, further: What if he were really messed up? Like, Munchausen by proxy messed up, but maybe not quite that bad. Or at least different.

So I concocted a story concept from that: A parasitic type of guy dating a girl who's dying, but he's doing it for the attention and sympathy usually given to people caring for the ill or dying or whatever. I've decided to call it, at least for now, "Simon's Love Life" because his love life is obviously fucked up. And his name is Simon.

So anyway, I threw together some notes on the train—interspersings of snippets and thoughts and so forth. When Anthony and I met up the next day, I then divvied them up into a SNIPPETS doc and a NOTES doc and then supplemented those with an OUTLINE doc. You probably don't care about my so-called method, but given this is, practically speaking, my first short story, any way forward has been a big deal for me. So I care!

Anyway, I got a little stuck from there. I needed something to happen, as often is the case in stories, but I wasn't sure what. The guy couldn't just dither on creepily for 10 pages then end. I mean, of course he could, but I wanted something more. Then it dawned on me.

***SPOILER***
What if she kicks him out of the hospital room when she's actually about to die? But—then!—what if he creeps on the parents after she's gone? Couldn't get what he wanted from her, but what about her grieving parents?

So the whole story needs to build to that, I've decided. That said, actually getting it to do that is the tough part. Remember, I'm pretty new and clumsy with this. But yeah. Progress!

I've now finished a (very) rough draft, and I hate it. But I'm told that's kind of how it goes. The most persistent problem in my mind is, of course, the roughhewn storytelling itself. But also, Simon isn't really creepy. He's more sappy, repetitive, monovocal, and maybe just annoying. Furthermore, and this is separate from the narrative structure/activity per se, there is a lot of awkwardness, and it's frustrating; I couldn't quite pull off some of what I wanted, and I don't think it's something that tweaks and light revision will change.
Here's what I've done so far and what I plan to do:

  • I ended up writing out each of the snippets—each of the scenes, really—and now just have to paste them in the order of the outline.
  • I think the next step will be to read through and draw up a new outline; the current one has prospective sketches of the intended purpose or purposes for each scene, but they're rough and ill defined and I'm not sure I fulfilled them, which is fine. It was a rough outline for a rough draft of a rough story by a rough writer. (Can't always be perfect!) Anyway, after I've read through and seen what's what, I'll have a (hopefully) clearer idea what needs to happen in each scene—what each scene contributes and what justifies it in the story—and put that into the new outline. This should help tighten up the storytelling.
  • Somewhere in there, before, or after, I need to brainstorm more on what makes Simon so . . . messed up. But also—how he functions. How he creeps. Because I think what leaves me unsatisfied with his character is that he's not entirely defined and, as a result, it's hard to write him well—to write a character study like this at all—without a better understanding of who he is and how he does.
  • One thing I'm both curious about and simultaneously not looking forward to is changing the narrative perspective. Right now, it's all in first person, but I think it needs to be third. Part of the awkwardness in conveying Simon is that I can't show what he's doing in the right light. That is, his perspective is obviously biased, so it's hard to reflect the (creepy) reality of his actions. That said, we'd lose a couple of things. 
    • For one, direct access to his (hopefully creepy) thoughts and such. Perhaps I can restore some of that, and hopefully, enough of that, with hard work and my beloved free indirect discourse. Subtler and tougher, but also often, I've found, more satisfying? 
    • The other thing we lose is perhaps just a tired trope in the first place: Because he's obsessed with her as an idea rather than seeing her as a person, I hadn't named her in the story. I think that only really works (if at all) in a first person approach because he's preoccupied; it'd probably be awkward and narratively dishonest to try that in the third person. The third person narrator isn't preoccupied like Simon, even if we're dabbling in free indirect discourse.

It's funny. Anthony commented that I had an advantage because I'm an editor so I'd come at writing as an editor or what have you. That only a quarter of writing is really writing; the rest is editing. At the time I pointed out how, historically, it's been a much a hang up as anything—overmeticulousness and perfection can block the writing process. But maybe he's kind of right: It seems like I am maybe coming at this with a more editorial eye for structure and process. Or maybe it's normal, and this is how writing is supposed to look. Who knows—I sure don't!

Anyway, I'll post more about my thoughts and progress later; this seems like as good enough a place to cut myself off as any.

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