Pondering anew.

As I mentioned in my other post, the one about "Simon's Love Life," as we're calling it, that I'd made some progress on "Ponder." The poor thing has been so neglected, but I do still care for it. It's just ... it's a difficult story, it seems. So much world building, plus having to balance several things at once. Developing multiple characters. All that world building (again). It's a lot for a new writer, I've rationalized, so hitting those snags isn't all that surprising.

But the two little breakthroughs. Neither is entirely paradigm shifting, but in their way, each has helped me progress a little on the difficulties that held me up. Also, I can't remember how much I've shared about the story (apparently not much because "Ponder" wasn't even a tag I'd used on a blog post here before), so this may all be totally unclear. But I'll just proceed to share anyway because I'm too lazy to look it up!

First, one of the points of "tension" (assuming I really go that direction—having, you know, tension in the story) is that they're waiting for a resupply to get them through the next month. But it's never going to come. They talk about what they need all the time (or at least several times), but it isn't going to come. So this is the minor "causal black hole," but it's a really important one given it's what dooms them and seals the story's unhappy ending.

Basically, the problem was: Why didn't the resupply come with the ponderswap? What I came up with was that the ponder returning to Earth takes a list of all the supplies they need, then in 2-3 weeks, the resupply comes, and all is marvelous. The breakthrough was realizing the timeline: The ponder returns to Earth after it's been destroyed, so no resupply can be mounted because it's gone. Duh.

This doesn't change much, I suppose; it was just realizing something basic about the world I'd been building that was already built in. But it affects how I approach this problem and plan and execute in the course of the story, so that's a big deal.

The second thing is a bit trickier. In the original plannings, I was going to have someone remark that they pitied Oscar's wife for having to put up with an asshole like him; I can't remember exactly how I planned it in my notes, but he was basically going to smile knowingly and say something evasive. Later, when they're all watching the world getting destroyed, he was going to fall to his knees and sob "My husband...", thus revealing his gayness. I think the idea was—whether I quite realized it or not—to conflate the reader's recognition of his personal tragedy and loss with the discovery that he's actually gay and that the surprise of the latter would combine with the sympathy of the former to synergistically create a stronger response in the reader...? Maybe?

There are a couple of problems with this, and I wasn't entirely comfortable with any of them. Roughly 2.5ish, to be precise.

1. One is an ethical sort of problem(s) that my boyfriend Anthony introduced me to. That is, I hadn't heard of it/them until he mentioned them, not that he caused them in our relationship. (Important distinction!)
1. Queerbaiting: I'm not entirely sure this would have qualified as queerbaiting, but as I reflected on it the other day, it felt uncomfortably close to it. And I didn't like that. Usually, it involves a homo relationship that's implied but not depicted. Oscar's relationship with his husband isn't directly in the story and it isn't, really, hinted at either, but it seemed similarly dishonest anyway. Also, using gayness as a gotcha? Hm...
2. Fridging: Also not entirely sure this counts, but it was uncomfortably close. With fridging, a character (usually a woman) is killed, and her death isn't sad in itself—as the tragic end of a whole, valuable human being's life—but as a means to progress the story/motivations of the main character (usually a man). What felt uncomfortably close was that Oscar's husband was basically gonna get name dropped as he was getting killed just to advance Oscar's personal tragedy. Their relationship would have no other impact on or development within the story.
2. The other problem is that I'm not entirely sure keeping his husband a secret is in character for Oscar. While, yes, he's a consummate asshole and troll, I'm not sure a) that, in that future time when things are (hopefully) more open, he'd have the motivation to hide it and b) that, troll that he is, Oscar would want to be coy, even to fuck with everyone.

I'm still not sure to what extent his marriage will be developed in the story, if at all, but in reflecting on those problems, I happened to figure out a better, more honest and ethical way of "using" Oscar's husband for the purposes of the story. First of all, no more "Gotcha!"; that should go without saying, I think. Second of all, rather than off handedly or simply conveying his tragedy, his bringing up his husband could bring home the overall tragedy of the story—everyone's tragedy—that everything and everyone they've loved have been gone and dead for a month—in one simple gesture:

"Oscar! Calm the fuck down!"

"I will not calm down—my husband is down there!"

"...was down there," Kimberly corrected quietly. "Was."

I think this is better? At several/a couple points during the story, Kimberly has reminded the other characters that, although the ponder is broadcasting in "real time," it's a month behind the actual events, and she's done so in exactly this way—simply correcting their tenses. But this time, it introduces the major causal black hole: That everything they've been doing and discussing over the course of the story has no meaning because humanity and their home have been been callously erased from the universe.

Anyway, I'm not sure when I'll get back to "Ponder." I still find it kind of intimidating, frankly, and I'm really focused on "Simon," so it may be a while yet. Still, I'm pretty happy with these bits of progress.

Some promise and its problems.

So it's been a while, hasn't it? I hit some major snags with developing "Ponder," so I set it aside . . . And kind of didn't go back to it? Oops.

Well, I made some progress there, actually, but what got me back in the game was a new story that's totally different. As it happens. So we'll get back to "Ponder" in another post.

Before I get ahead of myself, though, I want to make a shout out to my boyfriend, Anthony. I'd proposed doing a thing: Every Sunday, we'd go to Starbucks or what have you and write. See, he's a writer, too. I wanted him to work on his novel(s), and I wanted me to work on my blogs. And eventually, he took me up on it! I honestly probably wouldn't have gotten back into writing without that, so thanks!

Anyway, the night before our second such write up, I was on the train thinking about a friend of mine. We'd talked a few times after a long break. On one occasion, she mentioned some health problems but didn't specify anything; on another, she mentioned seeing someone she was digging; and so on.
As I rode the train home after working a double at the restaurant, it occurred to me: What if she's dying?? Then it occurred to me: Why would she be dating someone if she were dying? Weird thoughts.

But then I wondered: What would it be like (newly) dating someone who was dying? And, further: What if he were really messed up? Like, Munchausen by proxy messed up, but maybe not quite that bad. Or at least different.

So I concocted a story concept from that: A parasitic type of guy dating a girl who's dying, but he's doing it for the attention and sympathy usually given to people caring for the ill or dying or whatever. I've decided to call it, at least for now, "Simon's Love Life" because his love life is obviously fucked up. And his name is Simon.

So anyway, I threw together some notes on the train—interspersings of snippets and thoughts and so forth. When Anthony and I met up the next day, I then divvied them up into a SNIPPETS doc and a NOTES doc and then supplemented those with an OUTLINE doc. You probably don't care about my so-called method, but given this is, practically speaking, my first short story, any way forward has been a big deal for me. So I care!

Anyway, I got a little stuck from there. I needed something to happen, as often is the case in stories, but I wasn't sure what. The guy couldn't just dither on creepily for 10 pages then end. I mean, of course he could, but I wanted something more. Then it dawned on me.

***SPOILER***
What if she kicks him out of the hospital room when she's actually about to die? But—then!—what if he creeps on the parents after she's gone? Couldn't get what he wanted from her, but what about her grieving parents?

So the whole story needs to build to that, I've decided. That said, actually getting it to do that is the tough part. Remember, I'm pretty new and clumsy with this. But yeah. Progress!

I've now finished a (very) rough draft, and I hate it. But I'm told that's kind of how it goes. The most persistent problem in my mind is, of course, the roughhewn storytelling itself. But also, Simon isn't really creepy. He's more sappy, repetitive, monovocal, and maybe just annoying. Furthermore, and this is separate from the narrative structure/activity per se, there is a lot of awkwardness, and it's frustrating; I couldn't quite pull off some of what I wanted, and I don't think it's something that tweaks and light revision will change.
Here's what I've done so far and what I plan to do:

• I ended up writing out each of the snippets—each of the scenes, really—and now just have to paste them in the order of the outline.
• I think the next step will be to read through and draw up a new outline; the current one has prospective sketches of the intended purpose or purposes for each scene, but they're rough and ill defined and I'm not sure I fulfilled them, which is fine. It was a rough outline for a rough draft of a rough story by a rough writer. (Can't always be perfect!) Anyway, after I've read through and seen what's what, I'll have a (hopefully) clearer idea what needs to happen in each scene—what each scene contributes and what justifies it in the story—and put that into the new outline. This should help tighten up the storytelling.
• Somewhere in there, before, or after, I need to brainstorm more on what makes Simon so . . . messed up. But also—how he functions. How he creeps. Because I think what leaves me unsatisfied with his character is that he's not entirely defined and, as a result, it's hard to write him well—to write a character study like this at all—without a better understanding of who he is and how he does.
• One thing I'm both curious about and simultaneously not looking forward to is changing the narrative perspective. Right now, it's all in first person, but I think it needs to be third. Part of the awkwardness in conveying Simon is that I can't show what he's doing in the right light. That is, his perspective is obviously biased, so it's hard to reflect the (creepy) reality of his actions. That said, we'd lose a couple of things. 
• For one, direct access to his (hopefully creepy) thoughts and such. Perhaps I can restore some of that, and hopefully, enough of that, with hard work and my beloved free indirect discourse. Subtler and tougher, but also often, I've found, more satisfying? 
• The other thing we lose is perhaps just a tired trope in the first place: Because he's obsessed with her as an idea rather than seeing her as a person, I hadn't named her in the story. I think that only really works (if at all) in a first person approach because he's preoccupied; it'd probably be awkward and narratively dishonest to try that in the third person. The third person narrator isn't preoccupied like Simon, even if we're dabbling in free indirect discourse.

It's funny. Anthony commented that I had an advantage because I'm an editor so I'd come at writing as an editor or what have you. That only a quarter of writing is really writing; the rest is editing. At the time I pointed out how, historically, it's been a much a hang up as anything—overmeticulousness and perfection can block the writing process. But maybe he's kind of right: It seems like I am maybe coming at this with a more editorial eye for structure and process. Or maybe it's normal, and this is how writing is supposed to look. Who knows—I sure don't!

Anyway, I'll post more about my thoughts and progress later; this seems like as good enough a place to cut myself off as any.