More Oliver has more.

So I've encountered some new thoughts for this short story I've been working on, and of course I haven't really worked on it at all what with all the stuff going on these past couple days.

One thing that frustrates me is I don't know how to work in new ideas. How do I preserve what I have done or do I even want to preserve what I've done? I mean, I have put work into the last couple of drafts, in shaping and honing them to support the direction I was going. And now...I just don't know. And it's really frustrating.

So, like, one thing is a line for Rick - "I just want to be able to have these feelings and not feel guilty about it". This refers to feeling scared or depressed or happy or relieved or whatever as relates to his cancer without feeling they're unwarranted or shameful. This kind of ties in with some of the stuff already discussed in the story--much like Rick's 'cause and effect' thing. Like, he worries there's not enough cause for having these feelings, so if he lets himself feel them he's being indulgent and wanton. (which, amusingly, is kind of how his character is, I suppose; so maybe he's actually aware of this about himself now and it scares him?)

Altogether that one line will require a bunch of restructuring, I think. It entails certain subjects and such to follow it, but also requires certain others to set it up (and set up those other following bits, too). At least I think it does. It feels like it's going to be this huge change and I don't know how to handle it if it is. Maybe I'm wrong, and it'll enjoin the rest of the existing action without much messying up. Or maybe it will shift the focus entirely, alter the direction, and instead of culminating in the whole "you're the one making yourself miserable, rick" thing it'll be something else?

Or maybe I can fiddle with that culminating bit. Instead of just referring to rick "keeping score" of his accomplishments and failures, it's also about legitimate feelings? Not sure how I'll do that. Not sure at all. Fuck.

Part of me wants to trash it all and start over or give up entirely. Or go take a nap and pretend it'll just be better later. Well, I think part of the nagginess is that this story grew out of my real feelings and circumstances, and this new dimension is something I've actually been feeling, and I want to remain true to it. But at the cost of the focus of the story? maybe, if I can make it work, sure. But I'm not sure I can. And that's annoying as fuck. Cuz I feel like I have to work this in for it to be a legitimate story. But maybe it's already moved on from my real life stuff and become it's own. Or maybe it's actually a very hollow, shallow affair because it doesn't ring true anymore. Fuckall.

I know, I know; if I just start fiddling about and poking it in differetn ways and trying things out, I'm sure it'll sort itself out. But my OCD hates wasting time doing unnecessary things (though it has no problem wasting time on absolutely useless diversions). So it's holding me up. I just can't get myself to do it because I have no idea what I'm gonna be doing. I guess I imagine fiction writing to be a singular, linear process, without retroactive editing or anything. And that's probably completely false, but I feel like I'd be failing at this if I do that. Fuckall.

Well, that's enough for today. I'll keep thinking things through, maybe even blog some useful notes tomorrow.

Stucky.

Well not really, not too terribly. I'm just a bit unsure how to proceed. Fiction is tough, y'know?

I was saying to Louis that I need to define the characters (and their dialogue) more, even out the story so that it functions better, and generally give everything a bit more focus.

Right now it feels kind of like the characters are irrelevant to the dialogue; that anyone could be speaking it, interchangeably, and it wouldn't matter so much. This isn't inherently or inextricably a problem--I'm sure revision will correct it--but it's annoying as fuck. I'm starting to find Rick's character, and Oliver's is taking shape but needs sanding down in some places.

I'm trying to figure out how to reveal things in a timely and subtle fashion, too. right now it's fairly obvious: some dialogue, some dialogue, reflective prose, repeat. If I could move some of these revelations into the dialogue, I'm sure it'd be less dry to read. The little reveals would feel less abrupt and would probaly help confirm and set eachother up more. Altogether, I can't help expecting this to even the flow and functioning of the stories parts.

And it needs focus. Right now it kind of wanders to a conslusion, which isn't terrible, but I'd like it to move with a bit more exactness or purpose. Like, not have things too focused on one thing then slip into another or stuff. I need to figure out what the story is about and what it's representing on the page. Ground it a bit more in reality and situations, even.

At this point it's not too surprising that I'm considering entirely rewriting some bits. Especially the prosey reflective bits. Most of them are highly significant to what's going, revealing important details and so on. Dialogue, too, to incorporate more detail and character expression and development, if only slight hints here and there that are then confirmed as the story continues and so on.

goddamn i'm sleepy as fuck. i may go lie down a mo' and then either try to write some more or leave it for tomorrow.


note: maybe a bit in the story where oliver reveales his great shame or something and they both feel an awkward obligation to help his friend....and brain died.

Some fict.

I finally got back to that little Oliver story I sketched out a couple weeks back. It felt good, it felt interesting. Hard to explain I guess.

Yesterday I picked it up again. As it had been a while and I hadn't revised it at all yet, it was basically a read through with comments and some markup. To be honest, I wish I had just read it first, then bothered with comments. The problem sections, the successful sections, all that came out better as I got through it. Certain earlier comments seemed like trifling worries as other more metasignificant things became apparent. But all in all it felt good; it felt...possible. This project is possible. There, I've said it.

big takeaways:

• Rick needs to be better defined, or earlier established, at least in my mind. Right now he's kind of carboardy at parts, esp the beginning.
• Oliver is doing okay development why; basically snark and sarcasm and an aversion to interpersonal connection, and i'm done. Expressing that is the tough part; it's a question of balance. How to inject those traits to create character effects and such without being intrusive, awkward, or contrived.
• the story definitely starts off kinda empty and actionless (is that it?); it's right about halfway through. Where Oliver proses/prosits "This wasn't what I'd hope for when I thoguht to drop by." Why is that, I wonder. I think because we're finally going inside these characters more; as a vignette and something of a character study, that's significant. Otherwise it feels like empty banter?
• as a housekeeping matter, I was trying out using word's annotations and comments and tracking changes and so forth. It was interesting. Got a bit more useful as I got the hang of it. Not sure exactly how this will work as a system yet, but it has definite possibilities.

So for today's work I'd like to...hm. options:

• liven up or figure out the opening section/exposition
• focus in on awkward passages and fix them
• rewrite? what should I rewrite? hm. I guess that's kinda tautalogical as any of the options will probably entail some manner of rewriting. hm. heh.
• figure out system for editing with Word's change tracking and comments?

God, this is really hard. It's new to me, though. I can write, yeah, and make a story with characters, yeah. But revision? and stuff? tough.

I might not even get all that much done today; I have to take care of a bunch of calls and shit, go grocery shopping, get hair cut (probs), and go to doctor. hm. I might be willing to poke at this later in the evening, but I'm kind of leery of that as it's outside my "schedule" and stuff. hm.